Background Noise

#background #behindthescenes #trauma #healing #selfhelp #whatnoonesays #backgroundnoise #depression #anxiety

My last post was based on a phrase. Something that had come to my mind and that I needed to put into words. I didn't even sit down with the intention to write down anything that I would post, but afterwards I decided to do just that. Today I sit down again to type, not because of a phrase that is on my mind, but because of a thought. I am home, sitting alone, trying to find something on Netflix that is interesting and that I have not watched, but I cannot focus. There is just too much background noise. Not the noise of kids, or dogs, or passing cars, but the noise in my brain, or my head. The noise that I am able to turn off when I am busy. Busy working, momming (I made that up), wifing, or engaged in some other activity that allows me the freedom from the background noise of my own personal space. The space in my head where only I can be, but somehow seems to have more going on than the life outside. A personal space that some days feels completely NOT personal. A space where no matter how secluded, everything that is going on with me, finds a way in, and will not leave me to myself. But outside of that space, or the vessel that carries around that space; never truly matches the inside. The smile plastered on my face in the morning is very Cheshire cat of me. It smiles and leads the way for people to view how I might be, but it can be very mischievous. Now, please do not get me wrong; I am mostly as happy as I seem. I love my life, my wife, my kids, and my job- most of the time, but-oh no; just wait...I have another phrase that just came to mind to match this very post...

"Be kind. Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about." Plato first said this and it has been associated with several different people throughout the years within different specific wording.

Ok, so this one is ok. It's true, it's kind, and it's universal. However, this quote makes me think of my background noise. Everyday I do all the things! And I also love all the things. But some days the background noise is so fucking loud. It is a thousand little things that I need to do or didn't get done, it is worrying about kid's schools and basketball practice, and making lunches, and doing homework...but it is also the fear of what could or might happen: horrible, awful things similar to what I have been through and endured before. Fear of what could happen in the future: they call this anxiety. Worrying about what could happen- that's anxiety. Some say that anxiety just takes away time from the present, and I couldn't agree more. But then I ask you; How do you keep going towards the future without being scared of something happening, when the last time you were unguarded and happy, shit kept going down unexpectedly? How do I now move forward unguarded and trusting that the future isn't gonna fuck me up again? I have learned to always be ready, because when I wasn't, it hit me unexpectedly.

Now, realistically in my head I know that I cannot let it hold me back. I cannot keep living in fear of the future. And I also know that if something bad did happen again, that worrying cannot stop it, and that worrying will not prepare me more in advanced. It would still hurt just as bad as anything that came to me unexpected...

but tell my brain that.

There is also the background noise of the past. The past trauma that I cannot let go. The past also holds me back. I stay there sometimes- reliving the moments while it plays like a movie in my head- in my very personal space. I am in complete disbelief that those events even happened; sick to my stomach being back in those moments; churning each thought like butter until I can move past it again, like I did before. They call this depression. Depression also holds you back from the present. It keeps you in the past, remembering each moment, only to keep you feeling just like you did when it actually occurred.

Depression and anxiety are really great friends. In fact, they are the best best friends you have ever seen. They get off on toying with people and holding them in the past, or creating fear to move forward, and they love to team up and bully people together.

Look- seriously, I'm fucking fantastic... but damn that background noise.

So today I say: We are all trying to drown out our background noise, and today someone might not hear you because their noise is just too loud today to hear anything else.

Just remember- sometimes you have to tell the background noise to fuck off, kick it in the balls, and have some fucking fun.