Every. Single. Day.

#anxiety #depression #dysautonomia #smallfibersensoryneuropathy #fibromyalgia

My heart rate is up. I feel anxious. I feel shaky. My hands are shaking. I'm hot. I'm foggy. I'm slightly confused. And here is the dilemma that makes it all so much worse.

Is my heart rate up because of my Dysautonomia, or is it because I'm anxious, or is my heart rate being up making me feel anxious because I'm shaky, and my anxiety is making my heart rate increase even more? Is trying to figure it out making me more anxious? Am I foggy and slightly confused because I'm trying to figure it all out, or is that also my Dysautonomia that results in brain fog, or is it the medications I take making my brain fog worse because that is a side effect? Is the fatigue overwhelming because of the struggle I have to get sleep, or is it just the regular Dysautonomia fatigue that I have to fight through everyday.

Now the pain that is a constant factor in my life is now becoming much worse. My extremities hurt but when the pain is severe it spreads to my chest, my back, my ribs, my hips, and my neck and head. Is the pain getting worse just because this is part of my small fiber sensory neuropathy or fibromyalgia, or is it made worse because of the anxiety? Am I getting more anxious because my pain is getting more intense?

Is my pain worse today because I exerted myself at my job the last couple days, or is it because I worked out too intensely? Is it gonna get better or am I going to have a flare up that last days, leaving me in pain in bed, and having to use my FMLA at work? Will I be stuck in bed smearing tiger balm on my head and then ice packs to attempt to change the sensation of the pain?

Will I cry? Will I cry because of pain, or anxiety, or depression, or maybe because I'm am exhausted from being like this every day, or because I am mourning the health I used to have??

Or is it all of the above?

Every single day it takes me extra energy to do normal everyday tasks. And it's exhausting. And I want my healthy life back. And it's not fair that I have to be careful about every single aspect of my life in order to attempt to maintain a normal one.

And apparently im pretty angry about it to.

Don't take health for granted.

And never make a person who looks healthy have to prove that they're sick.

And please also know, chronically ill people also get tired of talking about it and we also feel like everyone is tired of hearing about. And so then, we go quiet and just fight inside, alone, and maybe that's not good.