I Tried, but I’m Just Not Ready

#burkittslymphoma #cancersurvivor #cancersucks #tohardtoreliveit #hefoughthewon #spencerstrong

#trauma #selfhelp

When I began my blog, I was intentionally starting it to write of motherhood and hardships I have been through with my boys. If you go to my first few posts, they were solely about that. I started Spencer's journey, and I stopped writing his story shortly after I had started. It was too hard. Writing and remembering every detail was too difficult and I wasn't ready to relive those difficult times. About four years later, I decided I was ready. I have steadily been working on healing through counseling and many other ways to self heal from not only this, but other traumas in my life. That day was just last night. I brought out a book of every moment that we went through. I have his story outlined day by day. I grabbed my computer, and I began typing. Not even a full paragraph in, I closed the book, and I closed the computer. I couldn't do it. I thought I was ready. I thought this was the time to write the story. Not for just myself, but mostly for others going through difficult times; someone they could relate to and possibly a story to help them heal as well. But it was hard. It still hurt my heart almost as if it were fresh. It made me sad. I couldn't sleep. The time that I watched my son fight for his life, and the moments of the doctors not knowing if he would make it was just too much. So, I put it aside. It's not time. I have been happy, I have been relaxed, energized, and even motivated to help others be the same. I have pushed away negativity and anything that could possibly in the slightest way affect me reaching my goal of healing. Will the time come when I'm ready; will I write the story? The answer is yes. One day I will, and I hope that it will be a book to help others through similar situations. But it wasn't time, and that's ok. I am focused on the goal for myself, and I have the patience to wait to make sure each next step is the right step. I encourage everyone to look at your own personal goals this way. It doesn't have to be right now. Just make sure your next step is the one that is taking you towards your goal, even if you are tiptoeing in silence.

Enjoy your day... I know I will.❤️❤️❤️