Random Thoughts

Feeling the need to get back to my blog, one, because I truly enjoy writing, two, because it is therapeutic and great for my mental health, and three, because sometimes I feel that this in the only way I can say what I feel and what I want without sounding like s crazy therapist trying to help myself through all the insanity of life. And now I repeat that- "insanity of life" and I realize that insanity is so far away from me at this point that I cannot believe that life is actually becoming what I always wanted it to be. I am not rich by any means. I have to bargain shop and make spending charts on excel for our budget. I cannot buy whatever I want when I want it and everything I own is not fancy, or the most expensive, or the prettiest... but today and all the days of my past couple years have truly been the happiest I have know. They have been full of laughter, and smiles, and random crazy acts of running through grocery stores and complete carelessness. I have smiled bigger and more than I ever remember. Most importantly, I have shined so bright with self love that some can hardly stand it, and in turn, my four boys have smiled that much bigger and brighter. They have grown more confident and learned to love more deeply and honestly. Their world has also become that much happier and complete.

It took me a long time to make the decision to love me. It took years and years of wondering if I was doing what was best for my four boys. There were tears, and sleepless nights, and internal struggles that some days I still battle with head on. When I was young, like many, I was in such a hurry to grow up, and in that hurry came struggle. I was trying to check off every box on the "american dream" checklist that I did it all wrong. I was always trying to prove to someone that I was going to do it right. I had babies, I got married, I bought a house, I had a career, and yet I was empty. All of these things and boxes that I was checking off, they were on everyone's list but my own. So while I thought I was making everyone happy and doing all the "right" things, I in turn was making myself more miserable because I wasn't choosing myself.

Let me first say, that over the years of learning to choose myself, I do know that I am the only one responsible for my happiness. Never will you read that I am the way I am because of anyone but me. I make my own choices and I take credit for every single one of them. Did all the things I went through help shape the person I have become? Absolutely.

After many years, and for many reasons, many that will not ever be up for discussion, I left my marriage. There is one reason in which is the summary of why- I chose myself. I know with several people this will be labeled as selfish. For a mom to put herself before her children she must be the most selfish person, right? No. I chose me. I chose my happiness. I chose my mental health. I chose my physical health. I chose to give my boys the best mom they could get, and that starts with self love.

Was it hard? It was. Was it hard on the boys? Was it hard to tell them? Was it hard looking at their faces and watching the tears come? Was it hard holding them while they cried knowing it was because of my choice? Yes; one thousand times.

Now, ask me if it was worth it? YES! Slowly they became better, because I was better. A healthy mom both mentally and physically- my children began to feed off of it. They began to look forward to time with their "new mom". Two seperate places full of people who loved them, working as a team, and both parents happier than when under the same roof; they thrived!!! Our babies needs happy parents! They watch every single movement and they hear every comment. If you want them to be and learn to be happy, it starts with us. They are always watching and listening.

A few months after the separation, I was riding in the care with my youngest son Spencer. Out of the blue he says, "mom, when I grow up, I want to be just like you." I glared at him in the rearview mirror. You never know where this is going with a 6 year old. Curiously I said, "why do you want to be like me?" He smiled so big and said, "because you are always so happy! You're always laughing and at night I hear you up talking and laughing." And he just giggled, but I had tears in my eyes. I knew in this moment, that I had made the right decision. Self love is not selfish; in fact is the least selfish decision you can make for your children. If you want happy babies, it all starts with a happy mamma, and mamma has to love herself and her life to do that.

P.S. I was happy because I chose to live the life I always wanted but didn't think was acceptable...I chose to love a girl, and honestly, I couldn't have stopped myself. She changed all of our lives... and that's another story.

Kiss your babies!